Saturday, January 05, 2008

Tips for Russians who are States-bound

1) Do not assume that every American you meat has an IQ of 180 and is a super honest, super noble, super friendly person who in addition to that knows a great deal about your country.
2) America is not skyscrapers from coast to coast. There are actually rural areas there too and there are even one story houses in the US.
3) Yes, people who are Black, Hispanic and Asian and those with names other than John Smith, Michael Brown, etc,. are Americans, too. And the words "Hispanic" and "Spaniard" are not synonymous.
4) Yes, Black people speak English and can drive a car ( and many even have cars) and Indians, in fact, can talk.
5) No, the sun does not rise in the West in America.
6) No, you cannot drive across America in a car chuck full of weapons with barrels and muzzles sticking out of the windows and not get asked questions by the highway police.
7) Yes, flowers do emit a smell in America. And yes, there are fresh fruit and vegetables and even brown bread available.
Cool No, Russia is not the only country that has birch trees. There are plenty in the US and Canada.
9) Not all parties in the US are sex and drug orgies with wild multiple partner swapping activities. Some are actually quite decent, normal events with people just having some wine and cheese and normal polite conversations.
10) Yes, while the salaries tend to be around $3000 and up for most people, it does not mean that they are rich. Expenses are also high.
11) Just because one gets 24 rubles to the dollar, it does not mean that Americans are 24 times richer. Most do not have $1,000,000 in the bank.
12) No, you cannot stop most people on the streets and ask directions in Russian and hope to be understood. America is not a Soviet republic that has to learn Russian to speak with you.
13) No, it is not OK to refer to Black people as "N----" and to Asian people as "narrow-eye" in any kind of decent conversation.
14) Yes, they still associate your country with Communism just like you still think all Germans are still Nazis. Expect being asked if you are a KGB spy.
15) You are one of the few groups that are still safe for Hollywood to pick on because you are white and have no money/political clout in the US so they will be making all kinds of negative movies about you. Go the country at your own risk as you will be called a Commie and Mafia so get ready. It is called freedom of speech.
16) No , the girls do not all look like Baywatch models and a guy cannot just walk up to a girl on the street and ask her to go sleep with him after which they just go to the nearest hotel and have sex.
17) Canada is north of the USA; it is not, as you may think, a Scandinavian country. Yes they play hockey but it does not make them Scandinavians. You can actually drive from the USA directly into Canada.
1Cool Just because ( if you are a man) people ask you to use a deodorant and shower more often than once a week, it does not mean that they want to turn you into a woman or a gay man.

19) No, England and America are not exactly like the European Russia and Siberia, although if Siberia becomes independent it will be something like that, although there will be no ocean between them.
20) No, hot dogs are not made from dog meat and distributed when there is food shortage in the US ( which often happens among the poor and the black).
21) Americans speak the English language (po-Angliski") and not the American language ( po-Amerinaski). When buyng books to study, do not look for "Amerikanzkiy Yazyk" books.
22) When you arrive in the US, do not , as the first thing, attempt go to Harlem to distribute candy among poor black people. They may not like your patronizing gesture as much as you might think. And please learn what the words "Yo, H-nkey!" mean.
23) Not all people in Britain are English. There is a difference between British and English and Britain and England no matter what your media says.
24) If you are a man, do not kiss other men or hug them. They may think you are gay.
25) Yup, "Caucasian" in the US mean people that look like you. Even if you are not from the Caucasus mountains.
26) Be careful not to crash your nose into net screens on doors and windows.
27) Americans usually do not have blanket cases, just pillow cases. You will have hard time finding those in the US.
28) The words "benzene" and "variant" do not have the same meanings in English and are false cognates. For the first , use "gasoline", for the second, use " option", or "choice".
29) Do not laugh at the fact that Americans do in fact consider beer to be an alcoholic beverage, that potheads smoke marijuana leaves ( and not the the cut up dried cannabis sap) and that people actually dilute vodka with Seven Up, put a lemon i it, and still think of themselves as he-men.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. How extensively have you traveled in the world?