Sunday, May 27, 2007

Dating Advice For Asian American Men

If you are an Asian American ( or another hyphenated Asian) and you have a great number of dating companions of all ethnicities, the advice below is not for you. If you are not an Asian man in America or any other "Anglo-Saxon" country ( including the UK), again, the informaton below does not apply to you.

If, however, you are an Asian man living in an English-speaking country, primarily the US, and are experiencing difficulties dating and socializing because of negative stereotypes about you, please read on:


Dating Advice to Asian American Men

It is no secret now that Asian men in America have problems dating. There have been several programs on TV already describing the fact that as an Asian man, you have harder time finding a mate than your Caucasian, African-American or Hispanic counterparts. There have been articles in magazines and newspapers addressing the same problem and describing its causes (and effects). Few such programs or articles, however, offer solutions to such men, and many still find themselves lonely and bitter, although sometimes pitied. However, more often than not, they simply end up lonesome and dateless.

The deal seems to be this: Many Caucasian women in the US do not find Asian American men manly enough to consider them dating material. Many Asian women also prefer Caucasian men, and the ones who prefer Asian men, are apparently not enough to go around.

The US media often portrays Asian men as dorky buffoons, skinny and freaky martial arts experts, mathematics nerds, clumsy immigrants with mangled English of the ‘flied lice’ variety”, noodle shop cooks or laundry managers, and not as being as powerful and confident as White or African American males, or as romantic as Hispanic men. Plus, throughout the history of the US, Asian countries were enemies whose males were to be killed on the battlefield, and whose women were to be taken home to mom as war brides after their men lie dead in the jungle or at the bottom of the sea.

In other cases, Asian countries were often suppliers of poor workers or indigent immigrants of all kinds to provide cheap labors in developed, most often Caucasian countries. Also, in the past, Asian Americans, period, were victims of serious discrimination coming from the government, a practice which has since been abolished but whose residues still haunt Asian men even today as they are not seen as fully American by the US society. None of the above has helped to create an image of a virile and dependable Asian male, a potentially desirable mate for American women to date and marry.

With the great improvements in Civil Rights, and the general feeling of guilt coming from mainstream population groups (whoever they may be) the situation of the Asian minority has improved significantly, for sure. The pejorative word “Oriental” has been stricken down from printed materials and is avoided in daily speech. The proud term “Asian American” has been born. Asian men are in the government and politics, they run successful businesses, they are achievers in the field of science and technology, law and medicine However, as far as American women of all colors seeing an Asian American man as a preferred dating and marriage partner goes, the state of affairs still leaves a lot to be desired. In short, if you are an Asian man in America, citizen or not, native-born or not, fluent in English or not, rich or poor, you will have problems dating ladies there.

Those Asian men, who feel that they are being discriminated against on the US love market, resort to several ways of dealing with the problem:

1) Ignoring it and playing the numbers game. If one goes through enough dating ads, attends enough parties and invites enough women out, there will be a number of women who will want to date, and possibly have a serious relationship with you. The men who go down the path of copious dating and selection will disregard any flak that comes their way in the process, and come out winners in the end. That is a good strategy except that it is not very likely that one could end up with a high quality female partner in the end if one stops his search too early. If one still continues dating, ignores numerous rejections, and sieves through any unreliable partners that appear in the process, one will end up with a prize- a good and honest woman to be one’s companion in life. But boy, it is going to take a really long time, believe me!

It is a rather daunting course of action, and is not suitable for every Asian man, especially not for those who come from a background that emphasizes modesty and non-aggressiveness.

2) Developing a complex and hatred of American men of other races, particularly those of the Caucasian race, and writing articles and posts on the Internet newsgroups and bulletin boards complaining about lack of dates and the prejudice against Asian American men. Interviews with commiserating media and videos on also become a vent for the frustrations of such men. The hope is that the US society will change and they will suddenly become accepted and welcomed as romantic companions and more. This approach, while a good therapy for one’s psychological state, is still not very effective in procuring potential dates any time in the near future. In the end, one is either angry and militaristically racist, and supported only by other frustrated Asian men, or one is felt sorry for. In both cases, one still often remains dateless.

3) Bringing a female partner from the Old Country. For some reason, this approach is seen as un-cool by a big number of Asian American men. They see it as a step back, and feel that a woman from the Old Country will become a burden on the already Americanized husband, what with her old-fashioned customs and behavior which will interfere with the further acceptance of the couple and their children into the American society. Only very traditional, mature in age, or religious Asian men seem to opt for that route; not the majority of the Asian male population of the country.

4) Finally, there has recently been a trend among US citizens of Asian extraction to date internationally. One can call this trend Romantic Multi-Nationalization. What happens is that after having discovered the US love market to be of unsatisfactory performance in the area of providing them with dating opportunities, such men have decided to cross oceans and date in other countries. They have finally had the courage to claim a very important truth: It is not their fault that the US society has such stereotypes of them. It is not their fault that Hollywood often portrays them as emasculated persons who are not worthy of being admired by the opposite sex. It is really the fault of the modern (and past) US culture and the media which reflects it. Also, since the Hollywood culture has infused its stereotypes into many other countries making things harder for Asian men all over the English-speaking world, one needs to find a culture in which such stereotypes have not yet spoiled things for Asian men.

The trend of Asian Americans traveling to other nations in search of romantic opportunities is growing as they are now discovering huge areas on Earth where they are seen for what most of them truly are: diligent, intelligent, honest and dependable Americans with excellent work and business ethics, a great deal of talent, gentleman-ness, decency and a sense of responsibility that should make any female proud.

Also, in many countries the stereotypes of Asian men are very positive to begin with. They are seen as smart, sexy, brave, adventurous and as excellent providers, too. They are not viewed as poor immigrants running noodle shops, but as progressive and confident modern Alfa-males. Yes, it is true. Go to such places and see for yourself.

International dating also allows an Asian man to finally meet numerous Caucasian women who look like Hollywood actresses, and who will be happy to be involved with the man romantically and look up to him

If you are an Asian American man, I would urge you to explore this past option. However, you will need to know where to go. The world is a big place and it would make little sense to leave the US and go to, say, England or Australia. Or China for that matter- what with its huge surplus of men. It would not be easy for you to compete with an army of several million bachelors scouting the Chinese countryside in search of brides.

The best places for Asian men are probably the following:

Thailand, Philippines, Vietnam, Cambodia and even Malaysia. Go there will allow such men to discover their true potential as respected and dignified dating and marriage partners. Asian guys coming from the US are highly sought after as husbands and lovers (even more so than Caucasian guys), and, upon arriving in those places, they will enjoy high status and be treated extremely well by the local female population.

In Europe, it seems that the countries whose ethnicities have had a high admixture of Asian “blood” (Tat-C chromosome) through past Asian migrations there, welcome Asian men in ways that the US ( or British, Australian, Canadian and any other society founded by British settlers) never has. Large areas in Eastern Europe, in particular, the Baltic countries of Estonia and Lithuania (currently EU members), have shown to be very accepting and friendly to American Asian males, and is a place where a growing number of such travelers have been able to find incredible opportunities for social life and romance. Many Asian men’s previously almost unattainable dream of finding a “gorgeous blond and blue-eyed girlfriend”, has came true with ease as soon as they started dating in those countries.

Belarus is another country where Asian men, even those who are not American, have been able to feel accepted, and where they have enjoyed good treatment and many new possibilities for abundant “romancing”.

Parts of Russia and other CIS countries (outside of Moscow and St. Petersburg) have also been described as very good for such Asian men although the growing Fascist element in the country is making it more and more dangerous for foreigners by the year. Still, if one knows his way around these places, one will do very well there and be able to avoid trouble in the process.

Parts of Brazil, according to some sources, have proven to be excellent, and some Asian men have been able to mingle freely with the local population and date beautiful women there.

France is another country in which Asian men (those who can speak French- a necessity there) have reported that they have been treated quite well by the local females. They were finally able to date as normal human beings should, and, quite possibly, get married as normal human beings should. Upon arrival in the US, however, they would more often than not again face ostracism from the majority of the US women.

Yes, this ostracism seems to be a sad reality for many an Asian man in the “Anglo Saxon” world, and it is high time for decisive steps be taken to solve that insidious problem. Waiting around until the attitudes and stereotypes of the American society change for the better (which may take decades) does not seem to be an effective technique of solving it. Hence, such love travel appears to be a surgically efficient way of dealing with it.

So, maybe it is time to do some research, save up some money and buy that ticket. You will be able to solve the dateless-ness and gloom that many Asian guys face in America by living in more than one country. Unless you look like the Hunchback of Notredame or are the Elephant Man, the success is virtually guaranteed because quite a few Asian men are already doing the same and are reporting excellent results.

It may not be an easy path to take, but the rewards will be tremendous. You may have to learn new languages, new rules and customs, and whole new ways of life. However, your own life will be rewarding beyond your wildest dreams. The only very important condition that you need to fulfill is to be able to support yourself while on the go, which is becoming more and more possible with the help of the Internet and the general globalization of the business environment. Becoming a computer programmer online, running a money-making website, living off rents, and doing similar things whereby you are able to create a cash flow from anywhere in the world, will liberate you from having to be located in the US all the time and depending on the unfriendly ( to you) US ( or the UK, Australian, etc.) love market.

Life in many countries of the world is now very similar to life in the US. The rest of the world is now becoming developed and very similar to America in terms of the variety of products, services and business opportunities. You may even, one day, wish to open a business in one of those countries. One only need to dare to leave one’s 9-5 job in the US as one’s romantic future does not seem to bode well for one who dates there. Also, it would be better if one started out as young as possible lest one end up a frustrated middle-aged man who has missed his chance.

So, if you are an Asian American man (or a citizen of any other immigrant nation such as Australia, Canada, NZ, or even the UK), and you feel that life and love are passing you by, do not become despondent. Internationalize yourself! You will soon be living a life that you truly deserve to live.


Anonymous said...

how about white guys trying to get with asian women?

Anonymous said...

Philippines is the best place for that.

Anonymous said...

America is a big and varied country. The environment from one city to another can vary widely. An Asian American man who finds his local city unwelcome, can move to another and find a totally different scene.

If all else fails, you could pay for coaching services from the Asian playboy on how to peacock yourself. :)

Anonymous said...

America is varied but still not too good as a whole for an average Asian man.

It is not withour a reason that people around the world do not come to teh USA for dating and marriage and all. They go to Russia, Philippines, Brazil.

With all the variety the average response from females remains "stable"- from comletely uinterested to " he is ok" type at best.

It is better to go to greener pastures.

Anonymous said...

For the first commenter. There doesn't need to be an explanation for how a white man can get an Asian woman. Just be yourself, they'll throw themselves at you. If they haven't been, you're not trying hard enough (at all!).

Go troll somewhere else.

Lily said...

I'll be the first non-anonymous commenter.

I plan on writing a post about this at my blog, but with a different recommendation (I don't think Asian men should have to leave the country to get a date!)

Anonymous said...

Lily, to really and truly know what it is like for an Asian American man to date in America, you need to be one and live like one 24/7, date as one, work as one, live in US society as one. Yup!

So you can recommend all you want but unless you are one, you can not really give good advice.
because how would you really and truly know what it's like?

Like I could not really give good advice to women because I do not know what it is like to be a woman. I can try but my advice will never be complete.

A dateless Asian American who has suffered great social discrimination also deserves not to live in a tense and competitive environment that many US cities present. So, there are alternatives for him. But if he does not want to take those, more power to him and less competition for us.

Those Asian men who do not want to leave the country are welcome not to do it. It is their choice. And if few take it, it is their call. If some decide to follow our example, they are also welcome.

However, as a female who most probably has not traveled as widely as I have ( some 34 countries and counting) and who has probably not dated in as many countries as I have, you may not qualify to give advice.

Anonymous said...

It's not as bad as it's made out to be. I'm an asian male and never had any problems dating. What I see as the problem with most asian males is they assume they'd be unattractive to other races and lack confidence, and by carrying themselves this way, they are shooting themselves down, not the girl.

Anonymous said...

Wow, too much hunger for women, man. Tone it down a little.

You make it sound as if dating is the only thing that's great about a country. "Oh noes, I don't have a woman, what should I do??" You might consider that the woman you have the hots for -also- has a choice of whether to take you or not.

Not to put too fine a point on it, you're from Asian descent, right? What does that mean [in some cases, hopefully not in all]: in countries like China, Japan, India [and others?] parents prefer boys over girls. What do they do? They check what sex the baby will be and if it's a girl.... oops, say hi to Mr. abortion doctor [if indeed a doctor is performing the procedure].
The natural upshot of this is that you'll end up with more boys than there are girls for. Can you see how that would happen?

As a result there's now -very many- boys/men in Asia who will never marry and, quite probably, never have a relationship with a woman because: they're just not there.

So, you come to the West [if you're not born there], the birthplace of all evil, looking for love and affection and then you're cross when the girls don't actually fancy your fenotype. Karma is a female dog, brother.

Of course I'm not saying you're not entitled to happiness and joy in your life in a loving relationship, more power to you, but it would help the proceedings if the general consensus in Asia was to not fuck around with mother nature. She doesn't appreciate it and always charges full price for services rendered.
If Asian males want to get hooked up so badly, maybe they should consider allowing nature to run its course and produce the number of girls/women that it had in mind so that there would be 'a lamp to put your wick in' so to speak.

I also don't know why you have to have a blue eyed blonde, when you can have an Asian girl and she'd be naturally disposed to like you better. Asian girls are -smokin'- hot [well, women in general. I like women a lot, I don't really care where they come from as long as they have a sense of humor].

But Asian girls, you don't want them 'because they're not used to your sophisticated already-westernised-attitude'. You're a pussy. If she's the right woman for you, you only need to teach her how to drive a stick shift, use a cell phone [if she's from that part of Asia that doesn't manufacture them] and an ATM and you're all set. All the rest are details you can easily sort out later.

And on top of all that: you're whining about it on the internet. Very unsexy. Tres unsuave, buddy. I can see you on a tentative date with a woman who said yes and then you go on about how great she is because other women don't want to date you. Does that sound familiar? If it is I would advise against doing it again. I have a hunch the women don't actually appreciate it.

[some comments in this post use broad assumptions I would not make in a more structured and better articulated piece, if I write down all the nuances -as I should-, I'd write a book, which I won't. I only comment because I have an opinion, a keyboard and an empty text field - a lethal combination. Oh, and because you're whining about not getting dates in fancy America. Get over yourself. Grow a pair. Pussy.

Anonymous said...

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These pages in my site are for Asian men specifically:

The two choices that Asian American men face (straight talk by an Asian American intellectual in Europe)

Blacks and Asians - Inferiority complex vs. wholesome integration

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dongsoo said...

stupid article.

if Asian men really go for non-Asian females, non-Asians wont have a chance to date a virgin.

its just now Asian men are happy to stick to their kind.

and other races should be happy they are.

and thats the truth.

momopi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
momopi said...

If you're an economically established Asian male living outside the US, the declining dollar today presents a good opportunity for you. Your Euros, CND, AUD, Won, RMB, etc. is worth much more today in USD than it did in 2000. The Brazilian real, for example, has almost doubled its value vs. USD since 2004.

Unlike poor immigrants in the past, where moving to the US automatically equates to decline in socio-economic status, a Korean or Chinese man can sell his condo in Seoul/Shanghai, come to the US, and feel rich. Real estate in Asian cities are booming, but declining here. So you could "trade up" from a condo in Seoul to a big house in California, or even investment properties (if you want to be a landlord). Many Canadians are also coming over the border to buy vacation properties in the US.

The US government is offering EB-5 program, where you could invest $500k USD in the US and get green card for you and your family. Check WSJ article on Nov 2, 2007.

America is one of few industrialized countries where women out number men in colleges. So if you're looking for a date, check the demographic data of your local colleges and go take some "leisure' classes where you have opportunity to meet and chat with girls.

If you don't like the women here, the internet and easy air travel has made the world a much smaller place. There are many Chinese, Korean, and Japanese language social networking web sites where you could meet girls back home online, then fly over to visit them.

momopi said...

If you're a young Asian guy in the US, the following advice is for you.

If you're 1.5+ gen and not fluent in your own ethnic language (Chinese/Japanese/Korean), go take some classes and learn if you want to meet/date Asian girls. There are many East Asian social networking sites like Wretch, Roodo, Cyworld, Mixi, Sina, etc. for you to meet girls, and it's a lot easier if you can read their non-English profiles!

Like to date Asian girls but can't find many in your area? MOVE. Check demographic information online. Many West Coast cities/suburbs have high Asian population. Take classes at local college or join local social networking groups to meet people. Like to eat? In So Cal there's a great Food/Restaurant networking blog called Biggest Menu ( Networking helps in meeting/dating women of all backgrounds/ethnicities too!

If you're in high school, graduate and go to college. If you're in college, go to the library and research average salaries for different professions. Find a well paying career that you like and pursue it. Do you want to flip burgers at age 30? I didn't pull my head out of my arse until age 28 -- I went back to school and got my degree via night school. It's never too late to get an education.

If you're done with college and working, I recommend joining the Early Retirement Forum ( and Bogleheads Forum ( for financial advice. If you like real estate, read Robert Kiyosaki's book "Rich Dad, Poor Dad". Invest early and wisely, the magic of compounding interest will save you from the rat race.

If you have an entrepreneur spirit, look into businesses that serve the majority, or wealthy minority/elite. My parents owned 3 Chinese restaurants over 20 years and never made much money, because they served the non-wealthy minority. A successful Chinese restaurant is Panda Express, because it served the majority and had lots of room to grow. Don't engage in "bad karma" businesses like hording construction materials after hurricanes, fate will eventually catch up t you (what goes around, comes around).

If you want to go abroad and teach English, it's fine for short term (check Dave's ESL Cafe for job listings), but understand that many language schools don't like to hire teachers over age 40. If you want to make a career out of it, you should look into opening your own language school or "cram school". Teaching English abroad is OK when you're young and just starting out, but if you're older, local people will look down on you for not having "real" job skills.

Since the dollar has fallen by as much as 50% vs. some foreign currencies from 2000, you could also look into jobs abroad that pays in Euros, Litas, etc. I have no experience with this so you guys can probably ask the blog owner for additional advice, or check with sites like Escape Artist. Consider, a job that paid $50,000 Euros in 2000 was worth $43k USD, but the same pay today (Nov 2007) is worth $73k USD!

Anonymous said...

Well, in our culture (Asian), stupidity and ignorance has no cure. There's good and bad in every culture. When one talked about the superiority of a race, he is nowhere far from Hitler or any white Supremacy hiding behind a white mask. I thought the world is getting closer and smaller, but the more close and smaller it is, the more ignorance certain people get. I pity all of you seeing the world as small as a peanut. The truth is, ignorance only run in certain race.

Anonymous said...

The emasculating anti-Asian stereotype is prevalent, insidious, and not going away any time soon in the US. I am a 20 something Asian male whose been in the USA since I was 10. I've probably been hit on more often by gay guys than approached by decent looking women. I'm talking about acquaintances and strangers who know next to nothing about me. This tells me the stereotype is automatically branded on my face, and not a result of my own behavior. I deserve a fair chance. I don't think I'll get it here anytime soon. Thank you for this article, it really struck a chord. I can't afford to travel the world looking for love, so this is truly a shitty predicament.

Shannon said...

White guys who want asian girls? lol. I'm an asian girls whose found it harder to get the attention of white guys. they are my preference.

18, female, ont. Can

Anonymous said...

I think I will have to agree with him. I think really anyone can say this or that pertaining to this subject. I think he does make a couple of good points tho. Mainly the perception of US and UK on asian american males. I've traveled a few countries and it's a completely different perception on Asian males.

There is a reason why the world hates the US. I mean a lot people live in the US live in a fishbowl and most are sheeps. I might seem like I'm making a huge stereotype, I will just give one example; corporate america.

Asian American males will be so surprised by how welcoming the world outside their fishbowl is.

Anonymous said...

I'm an American citizen of European ancestry (so-called white), and I agree completely with the previous comment. "Most are sheep." Corporate America is a perfect example.

This European-American (so-called white) is one of many who finds operating in non-U.S. cultures very refreshing.

Anonymous said...

I am an Asian girl and I do find that dating Asian men a little difficult. I like them, they are dependable and responsibile, not to mention that we don't have to deal with the cultural difference. However, they don't know how to date. It is mainly their parents' fault. They just don't understand the art of courtship. Whereas men from other culture seems to know what they are doing. I mean their parents encourage them to date and they are not shy about it. Often times, Asian parents will tell their kids it is important to focus on school and then worry about finding a wife later. It does not work like that, dating takes practice and people make mistakes along the way. You can't just say you are ready to date and expect to find a wife right away. I wish more asian men will understand that and learn how to balance life.

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